100 reasons why Kirk is better than Picard – with UPDATES

Posted By on July 13, 2007

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache — and it’s a beauty.”
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population.
83. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?”
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off – even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
66. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!”
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as “GO F*CK YOURSELF.”
48. If something doesn’t speak English — it’s toast.
47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archeology fan.
46. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender — until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
20.Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon — Picard is just some guy who’s really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses — and nobody dares to call him”four eyes.”
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon — easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed.
3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls.

Need More Proof? CLICK HERE

UPDATE: from Misty Fowler

About The Author

Writer, part time indie-film maker, musician, wonk and political consultant. Host of The LEFT Show Award winning writer of JMBell.org Former Democratic National Committee Communications Director for Utah. Creative Director for Defenestrate Media Group Award winning host of the late Left of the Dial.


39 Responses to “100 reasons why Kirk is better than Picard – with UPDATES”

  1. Jesse Harris says:

    I’m envisioning a steel-caged death match between Kirk, Chuck Norris and Mr. T as the pay-per-view event of a lifetime.

  2. JM Bell says:

    May favorite:

    29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.

    Kirk would dominate. He’s grab Chuck Norris by the ankles and smash him against Mr. T. Easy, over in moments.

  3. Ix says:

    Ok, so there’s what I think is a bigger issue here. The crew. Kirk’s crew was pretty solid, Uhura was pretty hot back then (before the feather dance in the desert, that was scary), but so was Troi in her own way (and lets not forget Natasha Yar). There are a lot of comparisons, but one irrefutable fact remains: William Riker, standing around making lame recommendations with one foot up on a chair or ledge, counteracts all that Data and Geordi, and even Wil Wheaton, can contribute to the ship. What an a-hole.

  4. JM Bell says:

    Ah IX Star Trek 5. That relates to:

    4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed.

    *side note – I’ve been running this blog for a year and a half, you’re one of my best friends, and THIS is what finally makes you post. Are you even registered to vote? 🙂

  5. Ix says:

    Look, man, some issues are bigger than others. Honestly, I don’t think I have heard even ONE of the presidential hopefuls confront this issue yet.

  6. JC says:

    51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.

    Wait, the Vulcan Lyre isn’t wimpy? Spock jammed with the hippies!

  7. JM Bell says:

    The Vulcan Lyre was built so that, if you hit a certain note, it exploded. WAY more bad ass than the Trombone. Besides, everyone knows that Troi was a beard (before he also grew a beard. Riker needed a double beard) to keep Picard from finding out that Riker was hot to get in his jumpsuit.

    Looks like “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is alive and well in the Federation.

  8. JM Bell says:

    Look, man, some issues are bigger than others. Honestly, I don’t think I have heard even ONE of the presidential hopefuls confront this issue yet.

    IX you’re right, it’s a much better question than “Boxers or Briefs”

  9. rmwarnick says:

    You know Kirk wore a hairpiece, right? Although some say it might have been a tribble.

  10. JM Bell says:

    rmwarnick – That’s funny as hell.

  11. Rob Miller says:

    Finally! A blogger who understands the important things in life!

  12. Misty Fowler says:

    Ix – He may not have addressed this issue, but, Obama is the logical choice. 🙂

  13. Jenni says:

    You might dismiss my view, ‘cuz I’m a girl . . . anyway, I always like Picard better. Kirk was arogant and cocky — a stereotypical alpha male type. Shoot first, ask question later — kind of like the neocons.

    Picard was a much more evolved man. He spent a lot of time making decisions and using diplomacy. He was more sensitive (yes, evolved women prefer sensitive men)and would be a better father and husband. You could also have intellectual discussion with Picard.

  14. Jason The says:

    Picard had the posh accent, but Kirk had STYLE!

  15. Jenni says:

    what style? Sweaty forhead and mussed up hair?

  16. Sarah says:

    Oh. My. God.

    I will never get those three minutes of my life back. You owe me, Bell!

  17. JM Bell says:

    You might dismiss my view, ‘cuz I’m a girl . . . anyway, I always like Picard better. Kirk was arogant and cocky — a stereotypical alpha male type. Shoot first, ask question later — kind of like the neocons.

    I’m dismissing your “point” not because you’re a girl, but because you’re so totally wrong (and therefore, your point is stupid) :). Kirk had heart, man. AND he knew what the Declaration of Independence meant, therefore, not a neo-con.

  18. JM Bell says:

    Please remember that I am terribly fond of you Sarah.

  19. WP says:

    Tout simplement vous êtes confondu!

  20. Allie says:

    I agree with Jenni.

    Plus, who would you still want to be with? William Shatner? Ick. I don’t think so.

  21. Emily says:

    How typical of the male establishment that Capt. Janeway didn’t even come up in this debate. Hopefully Starfleet at least has an equal pay for equal work policy and she was making more than $0.76 $0.765 on the boys’ dollar. 😉

  22. Emily says:

    P.S. sorry about the typo. Slightly html challenged this morning.

  23. JM Bell says:

    Hey WP, Je ne suis pas confus. Kirk est supérieur évidemment lointain.

  24. WPWP says:

    Picard est beaucoup plus cérébral, aucun concours.

  25. JM Bell says:

    WP – Kirk est juste comme l’intellectuel, mais il ne laisse pas ce stand de la manière réellement d’être un homme. Picard est futé, sûr, mais, il n’y a aucune manière que le Borg aurait attrapé Kirk. Picard est un poussoir de papier avec une commande, Kirk était a par le capitaine de God Space

  26. JM Bell says:

    PS – my French is VERY rusty. Sorry about the grammar.

  27. Ix says:

    Janeway wasn’t included because she’s a completely unremarkable captain. I just finished watching the entire first season of Voyager, and while I like it, I can’t think of one really bad-ass thing she’s done yet. I don’t think she has karate chopped one person, I don’t think she has seduced any aliens, and I am pretty sure she is the only captain throughout the Star Trek franchise that I have not seen without a shirt.

    Also, she’s not an Enterprise captain. But what about Captain Archer?

  28. WPWP says:

    non, non, ne pas rectifier mon capitaine Bell!

  29. JM Bell says:

    Janeway wasn’t included because, ten minutes after she took command, she got fucking lost as hell. Geesh.

  30. JM Bell says:

    Archer was a … well … he just tried too hard. Kirk was a natural leader and tough guy and never gave a shit who liked him or not. Picard was a fantastic administrator. He also didn’t care who liked him or not. Archer, for all his being a hard-ass, still wanted everyone to love him EXCEPT for the smokin’ vulcan, if you know what I mean. Archer was suspect.

  31. Ix says:

    And the vulcan? Probably the hottest character ever on any science fiction show ever… ever. She’s a total babe.

  32. Jenni says:

    Someone brought up the aging thing — Picard HAS aged much more nicely than Kirk.

  33. […] had this argument before you might recall: 100 reasons why Kirk is better than Picard – with UPDATES, and all you Picard-ettes lost miserably. So, for the lost souls who still think that Picard was […]

  34. […] 42 Years Ago … Today Posted in September 8th, 2008 by JM Bell in JMBell, entertainment Happy Birthday, Star Trek. […]

  35. […] EW: Captain Kirk’s 20 Best and Worst Moments Posted in October 21st, 2008 by JM Bell in Shatner, entertainment From Entertainment Weekly – MY FAVORITE TOPIC – kinda. The Best Moments of Captain James Tiberius Kirk. […]

  36. […] a better note, JM Bell has 100 reasons why Kirk is better than Picard. I’m not saying I agree with all of them, but #59, 55, 22, 18 and 3 are pretty […]

  37. Intan says:

    That was stimulating . I admire your style that you put into your post . Please do continue with more similar to this.